A Big Mistake?

So this past Thanksgiving we went to my grandparent’s house and my mom and sisters went shopping Thursday evening. While shopping, my mom saw her cousin Rebecca, who breeds Golden Retrievers. She was so excited when she saw my mom, she told her, “I have fifteen puppies!”  My mother falls for puppies like no other person I know. We’ve had I don’t know how many puppies in the eighteen years I’ve been alive. My mom asked Rebecca to send her pictures of her puppies. That was her first mistake. After seeing the pictures she was in love.

 Now you see, we already had a dog, a Gordon Setter named Copper. He is my baby and very good. My younger sister, Dani, has never really liked dogs very much and she always tells Copper to go away and makes fun of him. But when she saw the pictures of the puppies, she was hooked too. After going back and forth and debating on whether or not we needed another puppy, they decided to just go look at them. That was their second mistake.

My dad and I went with my grandparents to clean a building the work for. We were just finishing up when my mom pulled up in the van and all the girls piled out… with a puppy! Dani said that the puppy could be her graduation gift. And for some reason my parents agreed to it. The puppy was so fluffy, cute, and little. The puppy came home with us and is now a spoiled little puppy. Their third mistake.

Dani named her Jade. She is pretty cute. And for the first two days she was calm and quiet, and didn’t seem to be a stinker at all. That didn’t last long. After we got home from the weekend at my grandparent’s all things changed. She was a terror. She totally annoyed Copper. And everything went in her mouth. When she chased you, her mouth was open and she would bite your ankles when you least expected it.

She is doing better now, although she is still a stinker. Copper puts up with her, but still doesn’t love her. Mom says, “If only she was as good as she is cute”.  And how true it is. She is such a busybody. Always moving around and getting into everything. Dani was getting annoyed with her the other day, and my mom told her, “Its good practice for having kids.” I laughed. My sister doesn’t like dogs very much, so I’m not really sure why she thought getting her own puppy was a good idea. But she has remained consistent with her decision. So whether it was a mistake to get another puppy or not is yet to be decided. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, she will be as good as my dog. ;)

Family for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a very special time to me. Every year my family and I go to my grandparents’ house. My grandma is the world’s best cook, and that is no understatement. I am confident she can make anything. Thanksgiving has also brought my grandma and me closer together.

It happened about four years ago now. Thanksgiving morning we all woke up like normal. The night before my aunt had been complaining about having a stomach ache. When she woke up Thanksgiving morning she couldn’t move. She couldn’t straighten her legs out, and it was extremely painful for her to walk. Her husband, my parents as well as my papa took her to the hospital. There was something wrong with her intestines. The doctor said that what she had was probably inside of her since she was very young, but they were only then noticing it. They also said that if she had waited any longer than she did to come in then she could have died.

That year Thanksgiving had also fallen on my cousin’s twelfth birthday. She was in a constant state of panic and worry, because her mother was in the hospital and all of the adults had left. We  were also having extended family over for dinner. My grandma and I did all of the cooking and keeping the younger kids calm. We didn’t have a lot of news to tell them so it was hard to know what to say when they asked every half hour if we knew what their mom and aunt was sick with.

When the rest of the family got to my grandma’s house, they all wanted to know when the meal was going to be ready, and why there weren’t appetizers set out. They didn’t offer to help with anything, and were constantly adding to the headache by asking the same questions the kids were asking. Grandma and I managed to hold down the fort pretty well. We got dinner done on time and somehow were able to keep everyone, for the most part, pretty happy.

That year my grandma and I spent a lot of time together, and cooking with her was a very special time for me. My aunt survived and is doing great. My extended family is still quite self-absorbed. But my immediate family is closer together because of everything we went through. Spending time with my grandma that year showed me how important family is to me, and how thankful I am for my family.

God's Way Is Best

Having a plan in mind and thinking you know exactly how things are going to work out is a sure fire way to have everything change to something completely opposite of your thinking. I know because this happened to me within this past year.

My plan was to finish high-school, get married, start a family, and possibly be a missionary to Ireland. I was not going to go to college, and I was never going to clean for anyone other than myself. God saw that and must have laughed right out loud. I am now in college and cleaning three different people’s houses. I am not getting married anytime soon, and although I still have a desire to be a missionary I don’t know that it will be in Ireland.

Accepting these changes in my life has been very difficult. I have never been good with change, and when things got askew from the original plan, I panic. I hate that things are different. We had a perfectly good plan going, why do things have to change? I am learning that sometimes change is good. And that it is for my benefit. While I am in college, I am growing up, learning new things, and being exposed to things and situations that I didn’t have to deal with before.

I say I want to be missionary in foreign country, but if I can’t deal with people who are different than me than how am I going to reach anybody? I have come into contact with people who have similar views as myself, and others who are completely opposite. But I have learned to treat all people with the same respect and love. I can’t reach anyone if I stiff arm some and extend a hand to others. People can see right through that, and that’s not being real.

Having my plans changed wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t, but I am learning to accept this as God’s will for my life right now. My desires haven’t changed, but the route to get there has. I have learned that sometimes my plans for my life don’t match up with God’s plans for my life. But I have also learned that every time His plans are always better than mine. He knows what’s best for me, and He knows what I really need. Trusting Him to take care of me isn’t easy, but I know that in the end it will be worth it. He can meet my needs and desires in ways more wonderful than I can imagine.  

Learning To Trust

Trusting people has never been easy for me. I want to know that I can trust those around me but I don’t because of people from my past. I have had friends tell me that I can trust them, so I do. And then the next thing I know they are telling someone else about what I told them in secret. They apologize when I confront them and tell me that I really can trust them. I try again, because I want to think that I truly can trust them, and the same thing happens again. Thus diminishing my trust in people.

A small Bible study group that I am in just went over trust. We talked about how difficult it was to trust people now because of people from our pasts. Some things we all had in common were, we had been hurt, we didn’t know who we could trust, but we all wanted to trust someone. Feeling like you either don’t have anyone to trust or you just don’t know who to trust is a horrible feeling. I have felt like I can’t trust anyone for way too long. Something my dad tells me all the time rings in my ears, “Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there again just because you’ve been hurt a couple times. You never know who needs you.” That statement is so true. It is something I struggle with, but also something I am trying to work on.

I want people to know that they can trust me, and I feel like for people to know they can trust me they have to see the real me. They have to know who I really am. I don’t like people seeing me as weak or unable to do something. I try to put on a front that says, “I can do anything, I am good on my own.” But that isn’t always true. I am working on being transparent so people can know that I am real and not just a show.

Becoming the ‘real thing’ helps me see others who are real and those who are not. Because I have worn a front for a long time I know what one looks like. Being able to look around and see people who are genuine and who are striving for the same things I am makes it easier to trust them. I know when someone truly cares about me and when someone is just in it for whatever they can get, and they generally don’t get anything anyway.

Learning to trust people is something that is going to take time to do. But knowing I have people I can rely on will make the job so much easier. I don’t think I will find a bosom buddy instantly but over time I can develop friendships built on trust that will last a long time.

King's Kids

Two years ago my parents started a program at our church for the younger kids there. The program they started is called King’s Kids. It is a program that helps kids learn Bible verses and gives them goal to reach and prizes such as ribbons and trophies to earn. They teach primarily first graders through sixth graders, although the program can be used for age groups through high-school. When they started it I was still in high-school and didn’t want to help them with the program yet. I had said that maybe after I graduated then I would consider helping.

Time went on and the winter before I graduated I decided that I wanted to start getting more involved in my church. So I went to my parents and asked if I could start helping on Wednesday nights in their class. Of course they were happy to say yes. I started out just sitting upstairs in the class room and watching what went on. The kids loved my dad, as well as the young man that was up there helping. They seemed to just crave the love and attention they were given. My younger sister was helping upstairs in King’s Kids, but after a short while of me being up there she relinquished her position to me.

I fell in love with the kids that were up there. They are encouraging and frustrating all at the same time. Some of them make me glad to be there each week and laugh at every joke or help out when there is something to be done. Other children make me feel like I’ll never go back. They cause problems in every situation. How on earth can one child make me feel like losing my mind? But then when Sunday rolls around and the kids come and find me to say hi, or give me a hug it makes it all worthwhile. Giving them just a little bit of encouragement or saying hi with a smile and asking how they are doing goes a whole lot farther than I thought possible.

I now have made friends with just about all of the kids in our class and I wouldn’t trade being up there for anything. The experience of working with children has encouraged me. They push me to be a better person, because they look up to me. I don’t want to be another person in their lives that just lets them down. I want to be the one that they know will still be faithful even when no one else is.

Military Life?

          The biggest piece of advice I was given in writing this blog was to write about things that matter to me. It has taken me a while to get comfortable in writing my blog, but I feel like I have a better understanding of how to do this. So, writing what matters to me begins now.

            When I was fourteen years old I was determined that I was going to join the military. I was going to go into the Navy and be jet mechanic just like my dad. I was sure that that was what I was going to do. When I told my sisters that I was going to join the Navy, they thought I was crazy. They couldn’t believe that I would want to do that. My mom really struggled when I told her. She didn’t think it was a good idea and told me so. My dad wasn’t quite sure what to think and never really responded. I wasn’t quite sure how to react to all the negative responses I was receiving. But it frustrated me.

            Being stubborn, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Every time someone told me that I couldn’t do it or that I would never make it I pushed harder. I was determined to prove everyone wrong; that I could do it. I started jogging on a daily bases and tried to build up my body strength. Although, I never did quite master push-ups. I just wanted to be in the military so bad.

            I have always had a high appreciations for our military personnel, and I wanted to be among the number of our true heroes. Every time I see a certain video that plays the song “It has Always Been the Soldier” I cry. It makes me so thankful for the freedom we have. And it causes me to think about the past soldiers who have fought and what they and their families have been through. Of the ones who paid the ultimate price for what they believed in. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

            After hearing for over a year why going into the military wasn’t a good idea and being constantly put down, I finally started listening. I listened to why people thought I wouldn’t make it. My mom didn’t like the idea of losing her “little” girl. But she also had other reasons. And among them were: she didn’t think that the military, or war, was a place for a woman, she didn’t think that I would be able to stand the yelling of orders from the superiors, and also she didn’t like the idea of me being exposed to certain things such as constant swearing. My dad agreed in that he didn’t think that God meant for women to fight in the military. He told me that if I could find a place in the Bible where a woman actually FOUGHT in battle then he would let me go. Of course I couldn’t find one. Although I tried, and even looked for loopholes. There weren’t any so, I outwardly gave up my dream for joining the military.

            Even though I am not going into the military, I still have passion for those who are in the services. I fully support women who join, just because I’m not going doesn’t mean someone else can’t go. I would like to work somehow, with the military. I would love to work at a VA or even a military base. I may have high hopes but you never know how your dreams will play out into real life.

Beautiful, Yet Dying

So, I am starting this blog with the last paragraph from my las blog post because when I was writing I wrote this one and the last one together. This upcoming paragraph ended my last thought and also picked up my first thought and how I wanted to go forward. It has taken me a while to get in the groove of things but I think I’ve finally gotten a handle on it. So here you go, hope you enjoy.

How can something be so beautiful when it’s dying? I have often wonder this when looking at the leaves changing colors. They are breathtaking. But they are on their way to shedding their leaves and hibernating for the winter. Everything is dying, yet it’s so beautiful. I don’t understand why that is. However, it makes me very thankful that God can make something beautiful even when it is dying. It makes me think of my own life. When I am struggling to understand what God is doing, or why I’m going through the things I am, the autumn season reminds me that God has a plan. And though I may feel like I am dying, He is still making me beautiful.

I don’t always know why things in our lives happen as they do. I don’t know why people go through difficult things. I don’t have the answers to people’s question of “why?” But this I do know, God has a purpose for everything He does. We don’t have to understand the why of it, we just have to know that He is working. Just like the trees that go through different stages of growth, we are put through stages to test our faith. Sometimes we have to deal with a struggle within our own lives in order for God to be able to fully work through us.

I can’t pretend to know why God puts me through things. Or why certain people deal with more than others. I know that God is testing some people, while other people have made their own choices and that is why they deal with some of the things they do. When I say God is testing us, I am talking to those that are saved. Those that have at one point in their life believed on Jesus Christ as their Savior. Those that have believed in His death, burial, and resurrection, and believe that He was seen of men after His resurrection. Those are the people that God tests. He allows them to go through things to see how they will respond, and whether or not they will come out of the difficulty triumphantly or not. Our attitude going through difficulties is huge. It can motivate and inspire others around you. Or it can destroy those closest to you. God doesn’t put us through hard times to make Him happy, or to bring Himself any kind of pleasure. It’s for our benefit. It’s to make us stronger. To see how far we are truly willing to follow Him.

My youth pastor has a phrase that he says all the time, “If Christ died for me, then the least I can do is live my life for Him.” And how true that is. God doesn’t ask for much, just all of you. Is that really too much to give? Especially once you have realized how much He has given for you. I have decided to follow Jesus, if none go with me still I will follow. No turning back.

Remember, autumn isn’t the last season. Winter comes and most things do die. But just when you think things can’t get any worse, or colder, another blizzard hits and leaves you with four extra feet of snow. And you think, “That’s it, I quit. I’m moving to Hawaii and never looking back.” Things always get worse before they get better. It’s like the golden rule. And then spring comes and with it, new life. It’s the same way in our lives. Things are bad and then they get worse. And when you think the worst is behind you something else strikes. Just remember spring always comes again. And the things that were dying are now growing and beautiful once again. So when that last snow storm hits, be prepared for an even bigger one to follow.

 

Chapter Four: Autumn

Autumn. The crisp, crunch of leaves. The cool, brisk air. Cozy colors, warm sweaters, and scarves. The warmth of hot tea and coffee as you’re reading a new book or gazing into the glow of a bonfire. All these things and more wrap up to make autumn my favorite season.

Seeing the leaves change colors excites me! It means cozy clothes, brisk walks, and fall decorations. I enjoy pulling out scarves and sweaters that were once put away for summer. The old sweatshirt that you refuse to get rid of, instantly becomes useful again. Thus the reason you never get rid of it! Taking walks with friends or siblings becomes a thing you enjoy. And the decorations are my favorite. I’m not talking about Halloween décor, no, real fall décor. The hay bales and happy looking scarecrows. The pumpkins and gourds that cover front porches and kitchen tables. The candy corn and pumpkins that fill pumpkin shaped candy dishes. It’s so inviting and cheerful.  

Two of my many favorite things would be apple cider and caramel apples. Mmm!! So tasty. Warm apple cider is the best. With its sweet, tangy taste and crisp, apple smell it warms me up just thinking about it. Caramel apples coated with nuts are delicious. You have to get the good apples though. There are some and the apple is small, and mushy. Bluck. No good. Go for the big firm apples!

Autumn is fun because you get to have bonfires with friends and look at the stars on clear nights. Having a bonfire is fun anyway, but add a cool night, a warm blanket, and a few friends and it’s instantly ten times better. I love looking up in the sky and seeing the stars. And clear autumn nights are perfect for that. When the weather is just right, or after a rain storm and the sky has just cleared. Oh, man. It’s breathtaking. The stars seem to shine extra bright as if they know you are waiting for the show to start.

How can something be so beautiful when it’s dying? I have often wonder this when looking at the leaves changing colors. They are breathtaking. But they are on their way to shedding their leaves and hibernating for the winter. Everything is dying, yet it’s so beautiful. I don’t understand why that is. However, it makes me very thankful that God can make something beautiful even when it is dying. It makes me think of my own life. When I am struggling to understand what God is doing, or why I’m going through the things I am, the autumn season reminds me that God has a plan. And though I may feel like I am dying, He is still making me beautiful.

Chapter Three: Horses

My all time, favorite animal would have to be horses. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved horses. Just about every girl has wanted a pony when they were little. Most of those girls tend to grow out of that stage. I, however, never did. The older I got the more I wanted a horse. Every birthday, Christmas, and any other time I got the chance, I asked for a horse. That dream has yet to come true, but I’m not giving up!

I never cared much for ponies. I always went for the big draft horses. My first love was the Clydesdales. They were big and beautiful. I loved their flowing manes and the loads of hair on their hooves. They are giant beasts standing at 16 to 19 hands tall. For those who don’t know a hand is about 4 to 5 inches. That would make them 5 to 6 feet tall. And they weigh as much a Volkswagen Beetle. I would go to fairs and see them. Getting as close as I could yet making sure to steer clear of their big hooves. I have never ridden one, and being afraid of heights, I’m not sure how I would do!

My passion has shifted to a different breed that I found out about not too long ago. It is called Gypsy Vanner. The name derived from the time when these horses would pull Gypsy caravans. They are native to the UK although they have, in past years, been imported to North America. They are generally black and white although they can be solid colors and some are even known to have palomino coloring, or to be brown and white. They have very long manes and long feathering around their hooves. The Gypsy isn’t as tall as the Clydesdale standing at 4 to 5 feet tall. But they are still giant in comparison to other breeds.

            Horses have always seemed to be symbol of freedom to me. They always looked to be big, majestic, and in control. Riding on a horse allows me to taste that freedom, even if it is for a short period of time. I don’t own a horse, and I rarely get the chance to ride. But my dream of owning one someday has never left. I have never seen a Gypsy Vanner in real life, but it is something I wish to do. Owning one however would indeed be a dream, as they are very expensive starting at close to $30,000. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll be rich and live on a farm with my very own Gypsy Vanner.

Chapter Two: Sisters

            I am the oldest of five girls. No brothers, just me and my sisters.

            Having four sisters can be loads of fun, and other times it can be super annoying.

            It’s fun because every day is a girl day. We get to do each other’s hair, and makeup. And we can share each other’s clothes and shoes. Sometimes that’s not so fun! When we were younger we would have tea parties galore. As we got older we didn’t do that as much. But every now and again we would pull out the old tea set I found at a garage sale and we would dress up in our ‘Sunday best’. We would make a dainty lunch, usually of sandwiches with the crust cut off, and light candles and set the table neatly. Then we would start our tea party. It wasn’t the usual parties where everyone is all prim and proper. Oh sure, it would start out that way but never continued in that fashion. Often we would, literally, spill the milk, or drop cookies all over our pretty outfits. The best part would be when someone would start a story with, “Remember when?” And the reminiscing began. Oh, it was so much fun. We would laugh at all the things we used to do. Like how much I loved setting up for tea parties. Or how we would beg Beth to join in and do anything to get her to come. She would refuse for the longest time and then eventually come and have a better time than the rest of us. Tea parties were so much fun for me because it brought us closer together again. We would go for such a long time being upset with each other and then we would have a tea party and remember all the fun times we used to have. Just thinking about it makes me happy.

            Having four sisters isn’t always a bowl of cherries. We argue a lot and seem to forget that we each have most of the same feelings. We tend to blow one another off like they don’t have feelings. We can usually get back on good terms with each other it just sometimes takes a while. Another thing that is awful with four sisters is mood swings. Oh, MY GOODNESS!!! For rizzle. It’s like if one person is moody EVERYONE must join the party. And then everyone is crabby or emotional at the same time. Goodness gracious, it’s horrible. We now just know that if one person is in bad form the rest of us are doomed. It is now an unspoken code that we just automatically go to the store and buy a bunch of chocolate bars. I get dark chocolate, the next two get milk chocolate, the fourth gets peanut butter and chocolate, and the fifth gets chocolate caramel. It’s pretty funny seeing the five of us bundled up in blankets watching a Disney movie and eating our chocolate bars. This is our way of dealing with it and not blowing up in each other's faces. Even though we aren’t always on the best terms with each other, I wouldn’t trade my sisters in for anything. Through thick and thin we are stuck with each other! :)

Chapter One: Writing

Writing to me is like entering a world where you control everything that happens. You are the writer, you are the creator, you the one who decides what the normal standard is for everything. No one is telling you what to do or who has to be in your story. You get to decide what your characters are going to do, and who they are going to be. Writing is like making a world that is, in your mind, perfect. Whether your idea of “perfect” is skewed or not, doesn’t matter because you get to decide.

For me writing is a place of escape. When things are rough, I write in a fashion that seems to make the struggles disappear. My characters get to play my role, they go through what I’m feeling and almost seem to help me deal with things. They are me. All of them, from the girl who lost her sight to the little boy who runs up and down the hill with his dog. For me writing is real. It comes alive. I feel everything that flows from my fingertips.

Writing can also be very emotional. There are times when I am writing and find myself crying. Why? I don’t know. It’s like I become who I am writing, and when I finish something I almost feel a sense of regret that it’s over because it feels like I have just lived so many other lives. And now I have to go back to my normal life until a new story develops.

I didn’t always like writing. In fact I never wrote any type of story until about a year or two ago. My younger sisters always wrote, and I thought what they did was pretty good so I never gave much thought to doing it myself. When they wanted to have a competition to see who could write the best story I thought I would give it a shot and see how far I could go. Well, I started and they started and then they stopped and I never did. I loved it. It took hold of me and thoughts and ideas literally started flowing through my mind. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. It seemed impossible that I could write anything. I mean I thought I hated writing!! How on earth then could I all of the sudden love it? I think the fact that I could control everything that happened and that I could make sense of what was happening in my own life through someone else’s life seemed incredible.

Writing isn’t always fun though. There are times when I am stumped for days on where to move forward. But it is also exciting because looking around things that you would never think of seemed to jump from obscurity and inspire in ways one would only imagine. Writing has its pros and cons just like anything else. But I believe that the good outweighs the bad.

Introduction

           The reason I chose this topic is because it is the thing I know most about. Me! How much easier can it get. I struggled with choosing a topic because I like so many things. I have lots of family and friends. I like animals, music, books, writing, cooking, baking, walking, nature, and the list could go on. By choosing the topic ‘This Is Me’ I can cover all of these things. I can have so much more to talk about and my supply of information is not as likely to deplete quite so quickly.

            ‘This Is Me’ will reflect who I am as a person. I can share the things I like to do and also some of the things and people in my life. It will give me a way to tell about different aspects of my life. Such as my love for horses and my dog, Copper. As well as the days in the fall when my sisters and I bake holiday goodies with my mom. I can go into how music lifts me up and encourages me when I’m down or how when I write I feel like I can escape my own problems and pretend I’m living somebody else’s life for a while.

            Starting a blog was not my idea of a good time, but the more I think about it the more excited I become. I get to tell people about me. I do not know how far this will go or even if it will ever leave the small class it originated from. The thrill of writing and knowing that people are reading it makes me want to write to the utmost of my ability. I may not be the best writer out there, but I enjoy it. I like writing in my journal, even though I’m not very good about keeping it up, and I love writing stories. Something about writing just makes me happy.

            I pray that this blog may in some way inspire and encourage others to write. Writing about yourself is very intimidating, especially for me. I like writing stories where someone else has some of my problems, but where no one knows that it is me. No one wants anyone else to know that they have problems or that they struggle with things. I believe that to be a truly great writer one has to write about what is closest to them. Whether it be about you or a family member or a personal experience or just something that you really enjoy. This will be the struggle yet at the same time, the joy of writing this semester. Trying to write in a way that shows transparency.